A Dad's Guide to Life With Young Kids

In a previous hub, I shared that I am the father of two girls under the age of 10. I recounted my intimate familiarity with glitter – a substance that comedian Demetri Martin aptly calls the herpes of craft supplies. This was all in service of providing some unsolicited advice and observations to newer dads with daughters.

Well, I have a few more things I’d like to add. But this time I also have some items that aren’t gender-specific. I’m going to mix them all together though, because deal with it that’s why.

1. You might initially think you have gone insane by volunteering to be a face painter at the school festival, but once you realize that it is a lot like all those times in college that you drew on the faces of passed out drunks you’ll be OK.

2. Don’t be surprised if your kids have radically different tastes in food than you do. For example, both of my daughters love oatmeal. I, on the other hand, have always thought that oatmeal is part of God’s punishment for original sin. Like: “OK Adam and Eve, you need to leave the garden. Here’s some oatmeal.”

3. As soon as you have a daughter, every time you go the pool or the beach you will spend much of the time compiling a mental list of the types of bathing suits she will never ever be allowed to wear.

4. When teaching your kids new things, imagine what that information will sound like when repeated in school. I recently made up a joke for them. Me: “What did the beaver say when he saw the river?” Kids: “What?” Me: “Dam it!” Oops.

5. If you get an Elf on a Shelf, keep expectations low. Otherwise things can quickly spiral out of control. Our elf just borrowed the car and left it parked on the street. How many #$&@!^% days left until Christmas?

6. Be open and honest in your discussion of religious matters. During a conversation about communion at church, one of the girls said, “They ought to make vanilla-flavored wafers.” To which I replied, “Yeah, you’d think they’d be able to make Jesus taste better.”

7. Just when you think you are raising your girls to be strong and independent, you overhear the following exchange. Daughter 1: “I want to get married at Disney World.” Daughter 2: “That’ll be expensive. I hope your husband has a lot of money.” Daughter 1: “Oh, he will.” I hope he has a beach house and likes his in-laws.

8. I don’t care if you give seminars on dispute resolution based on papers you have written on the subject, you still can’t moderate arguments between your kids as well as their mother.

9. When the kids were younger, they used to enjoy a show on public television called “Super Why.” At the beginning of the show the characters each describe their super powers, and then point to the viewer and say, “And YOU, with the power to help!” Like I’m going to attend the next superhero conference. “No, I can’t fly or turn invisible. But … um … do you need help with your bags?”

10. Sometimes having kids can prompt new fiscal habits. My wife went through a phase in which she clipped coupons like a mad woman. In preparation for the beginning of school one year she stocked up on cereal and pop tarts. Specifically, 32 boxes of cereal and 46 boxes of pop tarts. Somehow I missed the prophecies predicting that the beginning of school was going to coincide with the apocalypse.

11. Although you are a 39 year old man, one day you will suddenly find yourself singing the theme song to “iCarly” while getting ready for work.

12. Be prepared for the fact that amusement parks provide a natural gathering place for members of society who might not otherwise venture out into public. While waiting in line at a magic/gothic shop in Busch Gardens, the guy in front of me said to the cashier, “Working here you must be well versed in folklore. Are you familiar with the fairy in English/Gaelic folklore who is missing a hand and who escorts the dead to the afterlife?” Dude, she’s a cashier at Busch Gardens, not a librarian at #$&@!^% Hogwarts.

Finally, you may sometimes find yourself torn between feeling proud and feeling worried about your kids. Like when my wife found some papers that appeared to be a draft of a book that our 7 year old had started to write. The beginning of the table of contents:

1…Meet the Monster Kids

2…First Kill

I’m leaning toward proud.

For more observations and advice, check out other Hubs by this author such as, "My Children are Devious Little Con Artists," and "How to Protect Your Home From a Peacock Invasion."