My House Looks Like a Fairyland Crime Scene

My wife and I have two daughters under the age of ten. When I was younger and imagined living in a house full of women, it was a lot more “Playboy Mansion” and a lot less “Playhouse Disney”. I’m pretty sure that Hugh Hefner doesn’t come downstairs in the morning to find that a couple of his bunnies have started a craft project involving glitter and the whole house looks like a crime scene in fairyland. Anyway, all I know is that after I cleaned that mess up I was so sparkly that I looked like I was having an affair with Tinkerbell.

As the father of two girls, I often find myself in situations that are less than macho. For a guy who frequently uses a Ped-Egg on his heels, that is saying something. In recognition of all the girly cartoons, TV shows, movies, and activities I have had to endure, I should receive a pair of honorary ovaries.

It has occurred to me that this experience may be helpful to newer dads with daughters. So I have taken it upon myself to compile a list of some unsolicited advice and observations – because I’m selfless and thoughtful and shit like that.

1. At some point you will find yourself watching the movie “Care Bears: Journey to Joke-A-Lot” and wondering to yourself if you would be ‘Doesn’t Give a Crap Bear" with a picture on your tummy of someone giving the finger.

2. If you visit Disney World, you will likely have a meal in which Disney princesses go from table to table signing autographs. This will feel very similar to having strippers solicit a lap dances in a strip club. The same rules apply: dads are not allowed to touch no matter how much midriff is showing.

3. You may be doing something wrong if your daughters ask you to play by saying, “We’re going to play house. You act like a dad.”

4. This one isn’t really gender-specific, but if your kids ever say something like “Bert and Ernie shouldn’t sleep together”, realize that they are probably referring to the fact that Bert and Ernie talk too much to sleep in the same room with each other. Your kids are not homophobic.

5. Girls have no problem pointing out your male shortcomings. One of my daughters once asked me, “I want to put a temporary tattoo on you – don’t you have any parts that aren’t hairy?”

6. Now that my daughters watch a lot of Strawberry Shortcake videos, I would like to apologize 30 years too late to my younger sister for continually referring to her “Apricot” Strawberry Shortcake figure as “the Butthead one.”

7. Parenting Law No. 12: When mom has a girls' night out, dad will put the kids to bed early.

8. Prepare yourself for the fact that girls are very jealous of one another. One daughter started changing TV channels but the other was watching something. I moved the channel changer to another room to watch TV. What channel? The same one the other one was watching. Why? The channel changer just didn’t like where she had to sit in the other room, so she didn’t want her sister to enjoy the program. They proceeded to quietly watch TV while I went to take a valium.

9. “Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?! Daddy?!”

10. Girls are much more devious than boys. I asked one daughter to pick up all the papers she left on the floor of the kitchen and take them to her room. She gathered them and then said, “But the top one is a picture for you.” I said, “Awww, thanks” and took it. Then I heard her repeat this in the other room with a couple pics for her mother and her sister. By the time she was done, everyone but her had to find something to do with those damn papers and she was watching TV.

11, Here is all you need to know about Winnie the Pooh. Tigger’s on uppers, Eeyore’s on downers, and Pooh’s on X. All others are hallucinations.

12. I just don’t buy those Barbie movies where she and her friends are fairies. Barbie and her friends are far too top-heavy for stable flight.

13. Girls recognize from an early age that they are in charge. One daughter pretended to have one of her boy dolls propose to one of her girl dolls by saying “Will you be my ring master?” My wife asked, “So is Daddy my ring master?” Daughter: “No.” I asked, “So is Mommy my ring master?” Daughter: “Yes.”

14. Although all kids do this to a certain extent, I think girls are particularly prone to request “cute” food. For the kids' dinner we occasionally buy baked potato rounds that are shaped like little smiley faces. And yes, they are very cute – until dipped in ketchup. Then they look like case studies from a medical textbook on head wounds.

15. If I have to listen to another Veggie Tales CD, I am going to punch a freakin' tomato.

Yes, it can be challenging and frustrating. But hang in there. You will be rewarded with moments like this:
Younger daughter (reading): “What word is this?"
Older daughter: "What?"
Younger daughter: "w-h-a-t."
Older daughter: "What."
Younger daughter: "W-H-A-T!"
Older daughter: "WHAT!!!!”

I then introduced them to a clip of “Who’s On First” on YouTube.

For more observations and advice, check out the sequel to this Hub, "A Dad's Guide to Life With Young Kids," as well as other Hubs by this author such as, "My Children are Devious Little Con Artists."